Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
