I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
