I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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