Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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