i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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