I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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