Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
