i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
