best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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