my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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