I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
