I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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