Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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