update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
