The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
