if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
