You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
