Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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