Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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