this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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