I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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