It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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