Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
