When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
