I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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