I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
