There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
