your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
