the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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