I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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