so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
