did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
