ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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