I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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