No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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