My liver just broke up with me...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
