I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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