I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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