Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
