so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
