The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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