just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
