You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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