So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
