i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I came so hard my ears popped.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
