Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
