The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
