Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
