Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Everclear isn't food dammit
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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