Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
