I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Randomize
